'Wish you were here.

via (leblogdebetty.com)

i wonder why humans can have lives that are so different from each other. from the high flyers, to the down and out. why some couples can be so sweet and live in bliss while others are scratching and clawing each others eyes out.

it's come to a point where i feel that giving in ain't an option. and yet i'm doing it all over again. perhaps in this matter, yes it might be my fault. but still, i really don't feel like admitting that i shouldn't have done it cause then again, we're all mature adults, aren't we? relationships shouldn't be about restrictions and what-not. but then again, i'd feel only entirely comfortable with this if i knew that his heart was true, and mine alone.

and it's not about other people getting attracted, it's about whether his heart stays true all throughout. i'm just bracing myself for the realization that some fucked up thing happened again which i have no power over, just because we're in 'fighting mode'. and there's the demand of 'at least drop me a text to tell me where you are'.

hyeah right. the selfish part of me kicks up and fights back with a 'why should i? when you don't do the same, and you're not even picking up?' sucks, this.

anyway, i'm going hunting for food. takes spear* tata! i hope things get okay again. (:


xoxo
 

'Pictures depicting

these were taken on the 2nd day of the lunar new year, with&by my awesome cousins. i thank God for such a wonderful family, extended relatives and all and the warmth and sincerity each and every one of them brings.

i still think photography is a wondrous art, and it's amazing how rapidly humans progress. in the past, people were afraid of taking photos or portraits, because they were afraid it'll suck the soul out of them, and today sees many camwhoring like there's no tomorrow. i'm guilty as charged, though admittedly i'm the closet type, the ones who take the photos and make sure most of them never see the light of day.

that's why this space of mine doesn't house many photos of me. that, plus the fact that i keep losing parts of my gadgets and pure laziness. though this reminds me that i've way too many photos stored up in my phone/camera.

on another note; i do wonder how is it that you can love someone, and yet feel so attracted to another person at the same time. that's why i stand to believe that 'your heart only loves one, but it can like many others'. but then again, who's to decide or explain the whims of the heart? human nature is often blamed too much for our errors, but the keyword here is decision. who's the one who decides what to do? no else, but yourself.

oh, i feel drunken on a tuesday night, and kesha's 'blah blah blah ' is playing in my head relentlessly, though i can't touch alcohol without throwing up and i'm in bed, still recuperating somewhat, though i bet partying will cure all of that in a jiffy. how i wish i were out, living the kind of life i can only dream of now. now.

till then, or not.


xoxo

'Saying NO to No

"screaming"

i want my freedom. my damned freedom. i really.. really.. want my freedom.

it's the late nights, the partying, the random chilling with friends/strangers that keeps that little bit of me somewhat alive. i know it sounds ridiculous, but somehow i need it to spark up this humdrum situation that i've been living in.

so damned bored of my life i actually scream out in frustration. people like me never were meant to get tied down. blame it on my personality, blame it on my star sign, blame it on me. i've never stopped wanting to have fun, and i'm the kinda girl who's rebellious streak gets even more intrigued by the things i can never have or do. and since young i've always hated the word 'NO'. who hasn't? No, means denial. i hate being told, NO. 

and A is the only one who says NO with any effect towards me. anyone who knows me well enough should know that too. he says 'you can't always have what you want'. maybe that's why he's always getting his way with me.

no matter how much i want us to work, i can't imagine a life in the future without partying/other people. it's not that i'm superficial, it's that sometimes we need some balance. and, i.just.want.to.have.fun.

shall consult the wise people. God, please....... ):



x

'Just Because

(via: blurthelines)

i think that is a little quote that people have to keep remembering, when their lovers fall short of the expectations placed on them.

during a chat with C, i realized that handling a relationship is contradicting at many points (though i knew that already).

for example: 'If he loves me, he'll want me to be happy and let me have my freedom.'
                    'If she loves me, she'll understand why i can't let her have her freedom this way'
                    'If he loves me, he'll think for me'
                    'If she loves me, she'll think for me'

a shortened version of what we were talking about, cause i can't quite remember the details too. it's all about the give and take, though sometimes we humans forget all about the giving and focus a lot on the taking.

had the most vivid and unhappy dream i had in awhile. though all my nightmare are of A, this one topped the mountains before. dreamed that he restricted my freedom and yet had his, having his share of the opposite gender while doing what i've been wanting to do most in awhile: party. i guess my subconscious really is trying to tell me something. tell me, why can't i have my freedom and maintain this relationship? if only, if only if only.

a girl's only young once right?

this past day or so has been good with A, though it was admittedly not without minor hiccups. the annoyance and anger of the past night quite simply flew out of the door, when it flung open from the outside and there he stood, grinning at me.

although he stood there empty-handed and with a sock on one foot and the other bare, it reminded me of exactly how much i love that guy, and of the possibilities that maybe, just maybe he feels the same way too.

alright, shall go get more rest. my head is aching from that earlier dream. have a nice one people (:


xoxo

ps: i love the way you say the things you do.

'Understand?

i'm staring at the screen, wondering where i should begin. perhaps with an expression of anger? or a sigh of regret, or a show of sarcasm and maybe a hint of sadness?

i could, but i won't. the path i'm choosing to take is simply, nonchalance. i guess it really shows something when a person who used to really care, really couldn't care less anymore. 

used to be,  i got affected at every little thing and the display of 'fuck it i don't give a damn about you', always was what it was; a display. it'd soon crack and disintegrate into nothing, leaving behind the naked and ugly facts that i had to face. 

but now..... his actions don't instill anger/disappointment/sadness in me anymore. instead it's more of a 'oh. haha. okay.' kind of feeling, though admittedly, tinged with all of the afore mentioned emotions. 

it's really not that i'm trying to take it easy, or fight the feelings. to put it more bluntly: 

you can't fight what you don't feel. 

time to take my medicine. the pills are huge, and i don't feel exactly good about that. oh well. 

x