guilty as charged

"to take, to love and to hold."

sometimes its the simpler pleasures in life, like chatting on the phone with your best friends, or going out for a nice meal, or simply just appreciating the people around you.

humans are greedy, and can never be content, but i'd like to think that after everything, i'm still able to sit down, and just breathe. appreciating life and the people in it, even if i feel that it could be better.

maybe i'm wanting more, maybe it's cause i've seen people that could do better. maybe because it's not the life i will want.

and i'm only 18 this year. maybe i'm really a true saggitarian after all.

these thoughts are bringing the heart down heavy once again, or perhaps it's just me, being afraid or wishing something bad will happen again, simply to fulfil that twisted mindset of mine that all good things come to an end.


just put down the phone with D awhile ago, and lately though i've had some thoughts, but yeah, i sincerely thank God for my friends, and those who truly, truly care about me. i'm sorry if i'm not always there, though if i could, i'd definetely always be there when my friends need someone.

guess there were a lot of things bothering me all these whiles, but the hole seems patched back up a little.

anyway, we were talking about experiences, and i do believe that there's no such thing as too young, or too old, it's that mindset of how you go about doing things, or what you've experienced. told him lots of times, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger", for always, and yes, he agrees with me too. cause there have been times where i felt like dying, thought i couldn't cry anymore, felt too tired to breathe and yet, here i am, better then the girl i used to be cause the me now can actually look back and feel good about the things that happened.

but yeah the bad thing about it is it somehow hardens me up, like another brick in that wall i used to build, till Bb came along. i really believe in the 'opening your heart to another person' theory; if you are willing to open it to someone who previously wasn't in it, then it'll be much much easier. or something, can't put it into virtual words.

and i think i'll put aside these thoughts for now, about the past, present and the future, especially the future, mainly cause it scares me, a lot .

but yeah, though sometimes i'll feel alone and all, but i do know that i have friends who will be with me even if they don't show it. like what D said. and well, i feel really, really blessed. for everything. it's not about the quantity, it's about the quality yo!

and i really thank God for each and everyone of you. love.

kay Defu Lane tomorrow with the usual people, and a movie perhaps, so yeah i intend to bring a camera, so photos up soon (:

off to do something sweet.


xoxo
cause we're too young for forever

ps: i'll see you tomorrow, and it's another step to take.

truth be told, i'm lying

"later on, you'll hold the hand of the one you hate, and stomp on the heart of the ones you love."

i'm getting my body clock back! the normal one, like most people. sleep early wake up early.

job interview later, and fingers crossed that Bb can come out later on, and i hope the job is really not a dodgy one, cause the prospects sound quite good. in need of money uh, sigh.

supposedly i'm gonna become some lady like kind of girl, need encouragement! asked if there were a reward if i really become more ladylike and he immediately asked me to drop the idea, when its him who suggested it in the first place.

watching Boys over Flowers now on dramacrazy, and i'm feeling damn hungry.

been a long time since i met up with my girlfriends, feel so deprived of people lately, sighhhhhhh. like whole day slacking at home no lifing.NEED A JOB NEED MONEY WANT TO STUDY. URGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

repainting my nails and chatting with John. it's a miracle lah he's awake now! and the miracle is that he woke up instead of him not sleeping yet. guess we're early birds today.

photos in next post or something, my hair sucks so i didn't take much of them. ):

kay back to the show!


(i totally love xx's new site layout!)

xoxo
take that final step

ps: i hope things turn out for the best.

i want nobody nobody but you/ like you.

"don't kill the messenger"


mixed feelings, don't feel too good. too many emotions, too many which doesn't belong to me, but somehow got moulded right into the mix.

drama drama x 10, and what i know you'd not know till much later, but don't speak, liar!

code words, and hell yeah i miss my dearest b. a further 2 weeks or more till i can get to see him again. my life doesn't revolve around him, but he's a really important part of it.

am just in a very contemplative mode right now; wondering about decisions people make and what happens out of them. there should be some kind of OS in my head saying something like that sounds like something out of Desperate Housewives, about choices and stuff.

have always thought about the fact that it's not about the choice, but instead what you do after you make that choice. neglected the question 'but what about the process that led to that choice?' isn't that important as well?

for example, what happened to make people make certain decisions, which in turn leads to some sort of a ripple effect? and is it worse that bad decisions were made knowingly that more bad choices were going to come out of it?

not too sure head in a spin.

if they say 'yes i know, but xxxxx', does it make it slightly better than, 'i really didn't think about the consequences blablabla'. so, are rash decisions better on the meter than informed choices, though the end results are the same? or are the people who do it knowingly worse off?

and i guess the one you turn to is very important. hearts to give away, hearts to keep. it's hard to place feelings when everything is all mumble jumble and mixed up crazy.

and have you ever felt like you were standing on a mental cliff, and feel like you know exactly what's going to happen? the sight isn't pretty, not a nice one at all, feeling all powerful and yet utterly helpless in the would be/possible events. cause everything is linked by decisions; what you do leads to another, and another, and so on and so forth.

the all mighty and the fallen. kay that was random.

not trying to say anything in particular, just typing this down for the sake of it.

forget it, shan't do a lengthy post of words. shall come up with some photos soon. ugly fringe = no nice photos = forget it!



kay bye.


xoxo
kicking it all away

ps: i do hope everything will be okay. Please God. Please. Amen.

wherefore art thou?

"so i'd remember you"

remember how i was whining and whining about not getting to see ________, and complaining about his confinement and all that shit?

wellllllllllll,was in the midst of some horrible dream (i dreamt that he didn't want me LOL) and got woken up by his call.

and he was like 'B ah, you still sleeping ah?' then i was like 'mmmm yaaaa..... why??' then he was like 'i later booking out blabla.'

was damn tired, but that phrase really woke me up. HAHA! damn happy lah! hehe thank you God (((((: but sian he's booking in tomorrow night. but yeah i'm content since it's better than nothing!

horrible thing is my fringe la. fucked up DAMN SHORT i look like ..... ):

anyway..... dadadadummmmmmmmmm.....


i dig funny msn convos. trumped you (:



byeeee


xoxo
lover !


ps: see ya later (:

not like what you wanted

"wish you were here"

just woke up and suddenly remembered that my fringe is screwed.

met up with Binghui and Carson for some breakfast at Mac, Bh that idiot forgot that his birthday is actually on Tuesday, and not on Monday. and he actually went to want to count down on Sunday. like wthhhhhh. super bimbotic can!

after that, went for a haircut, and got majorly screwed, and now i look like..... it was quite horrible, then i went for another haircut to try to adjust the one i had, FRINGE PLEASE GROW!!!!!

full body massage, and it's my first time! like fully stripping down and getting massaged. was a bit weird, but totally comfortable. went for a footmassage too, at Hougang. different venue. went for the foot massage cause i really couldn't stand the oilyness. thank God for Mabel! HAHA.

saw Hongguo, Yilin, Darren, Juncheng and Liangjie, and played two rounds of pool, and got beat by Liangjie. HAHA. but i'm a pro kia okay.

headed home to crash, and here i am.

quite annoyed by some stuff that happened, a few days back. trying to understand it, but i gave up. maybe there are reasons behind it, reasons that stood through, but aiya fuck it lah.

shan't dwell on this.

what else eh. i'm damn bored. and that idiot got himself another confinement. like free only? -..- at this rate i'll only be able to see him in July or something. wah please don't like that. and it was cause he fell asleep in some talk. ahhhhhhhh ?!

got damn pissed off, but luckily there was that full bod massage thing to calm me down, till i didn't even feel like replying. but yaaaaaaaaa damn annoying RAH.

kay don't really feel like blogging alreadyyyyyyyyy.


(: am not one of those sappy girlfriends who go 'i love you like the sky the earth the water the win baby boy my lover boy sweet love' or something, but hehehehehe.



kaybyee!


xoxo
you're like sunshine through my window

ps: when are you coming outttttttttt?!?!?!?!?

love like you

"true hearts, don't stray."

okay, most of the photos will be taken from Huishan's fb, since the photos i took that night were damn horrible. seriously, i need a good camera instead of just using stupid phone cams, but some will also be from me.

mum has that hot pink metallic one, but i can't seem to find it, and that day when i asked her about lending/giving it to me she was like 'No.' straight up.

dad bought another one, but it's like damn heavy. seriously heavy. annoying lah!

okay so, this is the meal that Sebas cooked for me! the difference between our plates were like O.O mine was like a mountain and his was totally flat. and mine had a lot of meat and cheese or something. couldn't finish it so he ended up polishing it all, and i did the dishes for him ):



the guys blowing balloons for the decorations.







i got blow also lor! and so did Wendy and Huishan. hoho.



Roy looks very seh here, and he has that 'i want to eat this balloon' face.

























-----------------


that's all for Mabel's 18th, then the next day, Darren came back!

drama ensued; i believe people make mistakes. but there's always a price to pay. i'd know for sure.

went with him to Shina's place, and sat for awhile in the hot morning sun, waiting for them to be done. couldn't wait to leave too hot to be true.

look at the sunshine!



sans makeup, after a sleepless night full of *&)#@s. no photoshop, genuine sun rays!

got to get new lenses soon, 2nd month anniversary might just be coming up on my current pair. ick.

was supposed to meet Mabel for dinner, and Binghui for some midnight chats, but i guess i'm meeting him tomorrow instead!

have no idea how big the photos are going to be. hmmmmszxzx.

oh yeah, and B and i are back together again. some minor arguments, that got the both of us damn pissed at each other, but we're alright now and he keeps saying that i'm stubborn. but well, so is he.


anyway, am off to do stuff.


kthxbye.



xoxo
to do what's best for me.

ps: Bb, all my best words are in my diary.

empty pride, who're you trying to put up an act for? it's all deserved and well done you, applause.

i miss you. but..... i don't think i'm able to give you what you really need.

perhaps someone else, might do a better job of being there for you, maybe some other person can actually make you happy, instead of feeling helpless seeing you like that.

much more in my diary.

major crap mood and i can't tell him any of it. fucking sucks.


ye xu shi jian dao le. gai fang shou le.

wo hen bu kuai le. zhen de hen bu kuai le.



i miss you.

look at that smile

"you're like sunshine through my window"

out with Mabel and John today, to FEP.

bought some stuff like finally. feel so happy, since it's been ages since i've last shopped. Weewee was right it really is therapy.

passed Karen her top at long last, and it was nice seeing her though it was just a mere less than five minutes thing.

met up with one of my besties Rebecca Ho, at her house, and chatted for nearly 5 hours or more till four plus then headed home, after eating tomyam cup noodles at mca. i miss just being able to sit down with my friends and chatting, catching up. Cynthia Neo when is your turn?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

like that day with Weewee, filled more of that empty hole. it really did.

okay, so meeting up with Sebas later on at 12 pm, that idiot says he's cooking pasta, and asked me to eat lunch with him. AND I HOPE I WON'T GET POISONED! then heading to town for a while, then it's off to Kgarden to celebrate Mabel's 18th!

speaking of which.....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR! :D big hug! thanks for being there listening to my @@)#)(@)(*U)(%()& to the max about ______, and all. love youuuuuuuuuuu ! like sincerely (:

kay end. can't stand mushiness like that. like a bit weird hor. -..-


I FEEL LIKE WATCHING MOVIEEEEEEEEEES! seems like damn long since i caught one. last one was what ah. ah forget already. oh well.

OH YA X-MEN ORIGINS!

okay big fuck. point is i very long never watch movie. i feel like watching movie. :D

RAH. and..... i miss _________________________________________ like ..... a lot.

Bec was browsing through my photos in my phone, and since i don't delete photos, like ever, she came across his photo, the one i took of him at Aston's. there was this sudden 'aw i miss him!' kind of feeling. like literally some emotional gush of xiang nian. or something. can't be bothered to phrase that sentence properly.

ah but whatever la. damn annoying. sings Soulja Boy's :'KISS ME THROUGH THE PHONE'!!!!!!11!!!!

-..-


kkay. not actually supposed to blog this long, but i'm like rambling.

and i found out about something about myself that i kind of forgot. like i really dislike people saying kinda insulting things in a joking way. like they totally don't mean it, but it's not very nice to joke about. like i remember there was this polymate of mine that used to say i'm ugly blabla.

like what the fuck right? hellooooo you aren't handsome yourself eh? ya but whatever saw him the next sem and he keep saying i look very different blablahblahblahblah. in your face lah sucker i also never look very different.

okay ya back to the subject. i don't like it lor! like wtf so hurting can! and i don't like people saying i'm fat, though the guys are always saying that i'm fat, and i'm fat annie blah blah. i mean i don't mind it from them la kind of used to it already. but aiya i don't know la.

perhaps its those from strangers or people i don't know well. i remember i nearly cried when that guy keep saying i'm ugly. like ya i know lah but shut the fuck up about it seriously, you're not exactly a looker yourself, far from it too. okay shut up it's over. but yeah i don't like!

and i also don't really like people commenting that 'ee she very fat' or 'she very ugly' or what. like saying anybody lah, no gender difference.

i don't like the word F-A-T either. might be cause i'm sensitive to it, but ya i don't likeeeee.

i mean it's not like i don't comment on people, like i totally do, all the time. but most of the time it's good things like, 'eh she very pretty leh!' or what lah. but ya sometimes i do say stuff that's not flattering for the person, but not to that extent.

in fact i really don't comment that negatively about people. like maybe i'd say 'she's a little bigger sized and curvy la', as compared to 'she's fat!' kay then maybe people will say i'm hypocritical and just choose to sugar coat my words. but ya i just don't like it. no need to be harsh and all, even behind the persons back.


maybe i'll do a 'TEN THINGS I DISLIKE THAT PEOPLE MIGHT DO' think it'll be super long. cause i'm a super long winded person. if it's not obvious by now.

and that day suddenly realized that if girls want to critique other girls in the polite and non insulting way, we'd have to say something like, 'i think she's quite pretty la, but i don't think this hair color suits her.' blahblahblahblahblah. like must compliment first then say. i know la it seems a little like i'd want to por that person, but seriously you can't just go 'her hair color v not nice leh.' and sound like some catty person.

like if i were that person or her friend or whoever, i'd not be very happy can. i mean if i want to say something that sounds insulting i'll just freely say it, but my point is, if girls want to say it in the nicest possible way that their opinions differ (appearance-wise), you have to compliment first then say what you want to say.

proof that i will say mean things: was at Bec's, and there was this show and there was this girl. and i felt irritated by her face for i don't know what reason, so i was like 'i feel like punching her! and her eyes are supposed to be small one lor!you see her face built to have small eyes one why she have big eyes? and her eyes very big leh! why her eyes not small?!!!" -..-

ya okay that sounds quite harsh also lah. HAHA but her eyes are quite pretty cause they're damn big and round and lashes quite long, but i don't know lah just feel very gao wei.

ee this post makes me sound very hypocritical leh. but no lah if i want to say someone fat or ugly i'll just say, but chances are i won't cause i don't like it. and obviously i won't say someone is pretty or what if i don't genuinely think so and if someone isn't very nice looking and i think so too, then i will verbally agree la, but not in those very harsh tone for example: Ya! like damn fat only!. not ever.

k don't think anyone read this far anyway, like maybe only Cyn, if she bothers ): lolszxzx. HAHA, so ya congrats if you do.

actually all i wanted was to blog a few sentences, wish Mabel happy birthday, and say that i'm going to post all the photos up after tomorrow, since there'll be much more photos tomorrow and i'm damn lazy to edit and upload now, so yeah shall do it at one shot next time.

and i really think i'm fucking long winded.

LOL. kay sorry bye have to sleep, or maybe not cause if i go to sleep now i confirm can't wake up, and i haven't thought of what to wear. gah.


kaythanxbuaiz.


xoxo
ain't nothing you can do about it.

ps: iiee muiishh yooszx. "yooszx" looks so annoying. faster come out lah damn.

time and time again.

deleted everything i typed down; was totally in a mood that was totally more depressed than this.

money issues got me feeling quite down; and some other stuff too.

had a talk with ______ just now. that idiot got some extra charge thing, equals to possible DB or extended confinement for 28 days.

and fuck la my dad wants to take back my sim card and all. FUCK. = to change number again.


KNN.

fucked up.

anyway meeting up with Sebas on friday, haven't seen him since forever.

oh yeah back on the topic of ___________________.

found out some stuff that's totally astonishing. and some made me want to tear up or something. i have no idea why. just that stupid emotional instinct in me that's constantly on the alert or something.

but i really had a lot of mixed feelings about the whole situation. and a lot of little voices in my head making comments about the whole thing.

asked him "do you remember that girl i told you about who i really want to be friends with but we'll never ever be friends?"

some stuff i'd read and go "wtf so someone actually realized that!" in my head, etc. cause normally if i explained some theory of mine to anyone, they'd be totally 'HUH?! she's mad.' or like totally dismiss me, sad to say. LOL.

so yeah, had that thought for quite awhile, and when he told me that xxxxxxxxxx. i just had that urge to tell him who i was referring to. oh well.

oh yeah this reminds me. Cynthia Neo asked me to blog about this:

so basically, lately Mabel has been saying something about me 'being a bimbo', and when i asked her why, she said 'well big boobs and no brains, Liangjie agrees with me too!" or something like that.

lolssssss nice huh. like what the fuck. okay i can feel people going all critical or something from here.

so yeah i always tried to persuade her to think differently, but to no avail.

and i got sick of having Mingkang as a display picture, so i changed it, and Cynthia suddenly went:

cynthia says (9:37 PM):
*HAHAHAH gola=D

Johanna says (9:37 PM):
*NO ONE PEI ME
*fuck

cynthia says (9:38 PM):
*but u need ic or wat

Johanna says (9:40 PM):
*yeahhhhh. thats the prob. but . urgh

cynthia says (9:54 PM):
*eheh ur neh like v big in this phtoto
*LOLOL

Johanna says (9:54 PM):
*LOL
*rly
*sexy not
*MY NEH BIG WHAT
*no actually its not
Johanna says (9:55 PM):
*its just cleavage

cynthia says (9:55 PM):
*yea but ur neh big LOLOL

Johanna says (9:55 PM):
*LOL so is it a good thing or bad thing



LIKE WTF is wrong with people?! and they're not really big lor seriously. just maybe sometimes the stuff i wear accentuates them or something. (and no i'm not the kind of person who names my boobs like "minnie and daisy" or something. hell no.)

yeah back to the topic. so yeah that was with the boob thing.

then Sebas was telling me about some game thing and i got insulted again.

Sebas:

im waiting for the boss to spawn
*looking for entertainment now
Johanna says (10:04 PM):
*huh
*what game?
٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ♥Sebas. says (10:04 PM):
*titan online
*mmorpg
*massively multiplayer online role playing game
Johanna says (10:04 PM):
*huh
٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ♥Sebas. says (10:04 PM):
*..
Johanna says (10:04 PM):
*yeah i know what it makes
Johanna says (10:05 PM):
*mens*
*eans*
*MEANS*
٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ♥Sebas. says (10:05 PM):
*u know
Johanna says (10:05 PM):
*fuck annoying
٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ♥Sebas. says (10:05 PM):
*mo siang online
Johanna says (10:05 PM):
*LOL
٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ♥Sebas. says (10:05 PM):
*?
Johanna says (10:05 PM):
*who the hell is mo siang
٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ♥Sebas. says (10:05 PM):
*u are stupid.
*..
*mo siang online
*is the name of the game
*..
*lol



so, thus concluded.

but no matter how many opinions there are about the me being a bimbo cause i've big boobs and no brains, I BEG TO DIFFER. and one substantial argument can just be how i've good language skills, though i employ the usage of 'Like' and 'Jiu" often. but yeah, those are just little speech hiccups, that shouldn't deviate away from the fact that I AM NOT A BIMBO.!!!!111!!!

AND! sometimes yes i admit i can be a little slow, in instances where i asked Mingkang what his chinese name was or something or the other, but that doesn't mean i'm not intelligent!

and Paris Hilton totally always acts dumb or something, which i think is very smart, cause then people will underestimate you and lower their guard.

SEE! CUNNING! :D so yeah thus proved that lim bu is not a bimbo/airhead/insert other words that means stupid here.

yeah so end of story.


meeting Mabel for some therapy tomorrow. Shoes, accessories, mani/pedis! wo lai leeeeeeeeeee!


i hope. >< style="font-style: italic;">xoxo
till you come around

ps: i don't expect anything from you. or rather, i can't. so what's more of us to expect? sigh. i miss you.

what claudia's wearing.

"like your love, that wasted heart."

love that photo.

anyway, seems like i haven't been blogging. didn't do much these days, except for slacking/lazying/bumming (same difference) around.

cleaned my room up, watched a few movies, played spider solitaire, online shopped, and last night was the most productive of all nights!

made a top out of chiffon. ooooooh~

yeah the material is kinda granny like though, and the seams leave quite a bit of room for improvement, not to mention the attempts at shirring.

might post a picture of it up or something. ?!?!?!

lolssssssss.

and attempted to tie dye my shirt! well, it was a shirt that got stained with chocolate cake at Samuel's chalet. damn fucked up, nice time for some cake smashing and i happened to be wearing all white at that time.

blah.

well so yeah that top got stained permanently, and tried to tie dye it, and it's drying off in the shower now, which explains my hands which are partly colored smurfy blue now. second layer later in a bit.

was supposed to head down to MDIS, but Dad seems to be sleeping. so none for me today i guess? job interview later, maybe. but that asshole doesn't want to pick up his phone. annoying fuck.

oh welllll.

and today is the 20th! supposedly 7th month, but YA firstly we're not together, secondly he's in camp, thirdly he's gonna be in there for a month or so (hope not).

anyway, got to get out of the house like sooooon.

and i keep getting hungry. i don't know why. fuck

ever since SICC i've kept eating and eating and eating and eating and eating. FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT. ):

got to go on a diet. :D





oh well kay time to check on my dad and my tie dye project number one. hope it works out okay.

next few projects up are shrink wrap art and bracelets and all. :D



shall go to sleep after. or something.


kthxbye :D



xoxo
would you?

ps: stop getting into trouble damnit! annoying asshole. imyanw.

sleepy deepy keepy

i need a job, like desperately! need the money urgently to settle debts, get material items, and get stuff for friends.

rahsghsfaijfa.

ordered some stuff online, and got scolded by Mabel cause i went off budget. oh well. hope i get that telemarketer job, since it's basic rates plus incentives too.

and the dinner that dad bought is making me so damn full.

walking over to R.plaza to transfer more money, and that reminds me, present for M, and singlets for A.

sounds damn la ba -ish.

alright never mind. got to get a life. like an active one. thank God for private schools.



kay can't be bothered to blog. BOREDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.




and i miss ____________________________________________________ x ten thousand. (Those were a lot of names)





xoxo

i've been confused out of my mind, lately.

"drop it like it's hot, i'd drop your heart like it's hot"

dsf

so, these few days have been nice; enjoying the single life (somewhat), and meeting up with friends freely, like friends i haven't met for A-G-E-S! Jay, for one.

went to a chalet for awhile with him yesterday, and it was nice seeing him again after so long. i meannnnnnnnnnnnn, it's really been damn long.

meanwhile, have been online shopping, and i have no idea how much i've spent already; all i know is i've finally got some great stuff on their way to my wardrobe! like bottoms, and tops, and sweaters, and and and, can't remember.

been eating and eating non stop, like mac, spaghetti, soup, noodles, blahblah. my mouth is nearly chewing 24/7!

-

these few days have got me thinking. like what Cyn said, it's a vicious cycle. over and over and over and over and over again, and in many many many many many ways, i'm really tired of it all.

not sure if it's love, or if it was in the first place, how does love fade away? so ridiculous even talking about love at this age, i mean come on la?!

but at the same time i do believe that there is love at all ages. but i think love is a gradual process, where it morphs and twists into something else, like maybe at first it was some very strong feeling, but as time goes by, it becomes a reliance, and a habit and all, where you can't imagine not having that person in your life, blahblah, and it becomes something like love?

okay have no idea if anyone is even reading this, or if it's gonna be understood. oh welllllszxzxxz.

-

and after these few days, there's some renewed determination in me to just get my fucking education and lead my dream life! like having money and all.

and to drive my dream car. AW. darren's mum's car is the extreme sex man.

love it love it love it love it love it.

want it want it want it want it want it.

and i want a nice house, nice car, nice clothes blablablablabla.

:D happy happy joy joy.


okay off to 17 again online. shan't think so much already. (:



buhbye.


xoxo
if it's the last time, baby.

ps: you think you're loving but you don't love me. and i, want to be free, baby you've hurt me.
lyrics to warwick avenue. darling in some ways i do want to be free. but somehow i'm still not walking away. yes, i do miss you, how can i not? but it's really sick. the way things are going. we'll see how it goes.

try to move on but it hurts

"if i love you a little less, than before."


was supposed to blog ages ago, but the window was open with no action.

was browsing through people's blogs and realizing how they've become prettier over the course of a few years and all. like duh!~

and my parents want me to clean my room and all, in exchange for some money to get the stuff i want.

sucks that i don't have any money now = no entertainment.

so yeah that's why i've that job interview lined up for tomorrow!

can't help being reminded of a lot of things luh, where ever i go.


alright, loading the Hannah Montana movie (don't laugh at me!), cause ya ya though Miley Cyrus is a pain in real life, Hannah Montana is niceeee. HAHA. and emily osmont (sp?) too.

alright off to meet my best friend.


xoxo
and my heart loves you.

ps: Baby, wo hao xiang ni.

i know you want what's best for me.

"if dying were enough"


here are the photos:

Hongguo and Mingkang have been U*@&$&@-ing me about them, when all i wanted to do was get some mee soto into my tummy and rest.

so yeah here they are. image heavy!



Xuangming and Darren doing some 'gym'; they stopped after five minutes.



and omg look at Xm's ribs lah.



camwhoring while waiting for Darren.






and finally, SICC! taken after the whole trip, but i put it first, cause it's supposed to be
meaningful and all!

by the way, it's Mingkang at the back. HAHA and Liangjie is so happy too.



'gimme a satisfied face!'





Mingkang after some hair restyling at the 'SICC salon'





omg lah Roy always looks damn funny. like weird poses super random! haha




Hongguo, Juncheng and Liangjie, attempting to be 'Emo', and Liangjie said,' no! must cross the leg like this!' in pure Hg style. HAHA



the guys. August is missing.









so, basically there were other photos, much much more, but these are the more presentable ones. damn i've got to get myself a camera! preferably a DSLR, but..... money issues you know?

got to start clearing debts soon. need a job like pronto!

kay done. shall go cook my mee soto. craving for some soup.



buhbye (:

xoxo
pulling out all the stops,
i can't stop trying.

ps: i feel lost now. i miss you.

thunder and all the rest of my emotions

"starshine and clouds on high."

SICC-ed with the usuals today; kind of an epic day! the day where we sat from when the sun was bright in the sky, and ate till the sun disappeared from the horizon. that place has loads of memories with ..... just like everywhere i'll always be to. sucks. well.

the guys made use of the facilities, and i heard some nudie photos were taken! saw some of them, though not clearly. HAHA.

some unhappy stuff before all of us met up, but it's a personal thing; drop it.

Darren keeps saying i've become very skinny and all, and he keeps giving me that very worried look of his. not that skinny la, and i'm not anorexic or what it's just i don't have the apetite, and damn my face and legs just.won't.slim.down. damn!

anyway, i was supposed to meet up with Jay, but that ass always give me those kind of last minute information and stuff.

plaza aftermath, watched the guys play no.ball and billard, then bus-ed home with Mingkang.

like what Mk asked me 'so were there emotions rushing through you?' too too many.

got home, and couldn't resist the urge to contact him.

talked about some stuff, and i can't quite get the conclusion of it, though i did get some reassurance in a weird way, and some other in another.

but he's right. there's no need for me to keep chasing him now. we'll just take it one step at a time.


tired. D was supposed to come over, but the plan was cancelled cause my parents will U(@$)@)#I@, i think for now.

oh well.

Hongguo asked me to give him the photos after i edited them, so i guess i'm just editing them and putting 'em up on my lil space here. so grab it if you want sucker (:

and i have no tagboard, so he can't comment back. Haha!


alright off to upload them and start editing (:


xoxo
start afresh?

ps: three weekend confinement = three weeks inside. take good care of yourself dearest, though i don't think you'll be seeing this.

Bb, i miss you.

long blog entry at 3 a.m, saved to drafts, can't post what i want to say.
40 page message at 5 a.m, saved into drafts. so so many things i want to say.


imyimyimyimyimyimyimyimy. x infinity.

ilyilyilyily, iwyb,iwyb x forever.

i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry x everything i have.






i've learnt my lesson. i'll treasure you the way i should. i've always treasured you, i just didn't know how to. i'm sorry, i'm sorry. )':

something more, much more.

"trust in me, my faith, my heart."

that picture really expresses my heart right now. like, for real.

in that 'how could you do this to me?' look, which fully expresses everything.

i'm just staring blankly at this screen, wondering what to type. it's not that i've nothing to say, it's kinda like i have too many things to say. and wondering about how much i can post up here.

dad keeps saying that i'm anorexic.

---------


back after quite a few hours.

still undecided what to do, shall sleep on it, and hopefully tomorrow i'll wake up with an inkling of what's going to happen.

Lord, please grant my prayers tonight again. Thank You, Amen. I LOVE YOU!

haha haha .

shall go to sleep, shall see what happens tomorrow.



needs time, space.


i need you love.


xoxo
going to bed with cheeks wet.

ps: love, i'll prove to you that you can still trust me. cause i've been nothing but faithful to you.
Lord, please. Thank You.

borededddddd . if that's even a word. doubt so though, to the max.

fucking tired, grumpy, and feeling very blah. toothaching and i hate that feeling of my contacts drying up. ):

seeeeeee ima major grumpy witch or something.

fb-ing, and those international fuckers keep on raising me. see now i've all in-ed. (kay won that flop)

but ARHGHGHAIFNAK FNAKSJBFA


kay Darren just appeared behind me.

and urghhhhhhh.





horrible.


guess there are advantages and disadvantages of having a boyfriend.

Mabel say i gei ba lan. LOL.



rah.


kthxbye.

well, 'it's complicated'.

straight up, don't leave.

"cause everything's falling apart; where's my hero now?"


not feeling too good, but yeah suck it up.

doing all the things i said i wouldn't do, but it's not making me feel any better. not much.

i'd give almost anything, anything to not do what i did, like 'good going girl you fucked it up again.'

and it's a never ending cycle, i admit, cause the odds are it'll happen again. but it won't. it won't. but yeah sometimes 'better late than never' doesn't trump 'it's too late'



fuck this.

i'm sorry. ily.




bye.



xoxo
baby i can do better.

fuck my life.

deleted all i had to say, diary here i come again.



i'm sorry.

love and sex and magic

"will you stick with me through what ever, or run away?"

i know that's not exactly a real flattering photo, but whatever.

big quarrel with the parents, about serious issues.

guess i've really, really disappointed them this time. and there's nothing much to be said.

you know how sometimes you make a mistake, but it doesn't seem that serious to you, and in a way you just continue, and let it go on?

and how you're never ever gonna be able to wipe your slate clean, to hold your head high without that guilty conscience plaguing you?

well, maybe that's too dramatic, but it's real similar.

and you know sometimes it's just so hard to make a choice. between two really really important people/things.

it's like, tugging on your heartstrings, pick me, pick me, and you're still unable to choose.

two that i hold real dear to my heart. it's not that i don't know which is more important, it's just that i don't think the situation actually needs me to let go of the other.

really, you reap what you sow, and lately that's all i've been doing. reaping my just desserts.

with school, with my relationship, with my parents, with my friends.

life is screwed up right now, real real screwed.


and somehow a part of me really wanted B to be there when they were yelling, screaming, shouting at me. just wanted to like bury my head into him and shut them out, to feel safe.

and we talked about some issues that i've been thinking about lately, and some answers he gave me were quite surprising.

before i make any decision, i'd want to know if we're worth it. if we'd stand through the long run, else what am i chasing after?

that thought did occur to me, really it did.

but well, i guess sometimes the phrase 'you'd never know' applies?


alright, head's in a spin. need some rest.


'ta loves.


xoxo
the weight of the world

ps: B, it's not gonna be easy from now on. ):

making it last .

"oh you'll go out in style."

well, i deleted everything i wanted to say, cause i just realized it sounded totally stupid, and meaningless.

this is after a few hours, when i got distracted yet again from blogging, by some random websites, or some phone calls.

went for a nice shower, and i feel totally refreshed and cooled now, and it's time to wake the twins up for school. sucks for them! but for me too, cause i miss secondary school days. ><

(edited) blogger deleted some of the stuff i typed, so i guess those weren't meant to be? cause i'm too lazy to retype it.

it started raining, and that reminded me that i've to get to bed in order to wake up in time to meet B when he books out later at 1 pm.

some NS thing, that is privy only to those in the Navy. hehe that rhymes!

i wanna go to Daiso to get some cute stuff, and a hardcover notebook, to use as a diary and all, instead of the ratty but still nice diary i've been using.

okay really need to sleep, cause Dad and Mum are complaining about me not sleeping at night, blahblah.

oh well, kay bye lovers!

xoxo
hang your pride to dry

ps: though it's only been a day and one night, i miss youuuu, love.

in the midst of changing my blog layout. shall do the exact same one as weewee, cause there aren't nice plain skins on blogskins.com, and i really need some plain plain white for my space here.


be back to edit! (ps: might change my URL too.)

hey stranger.

"the right kiss; the wrong lover"


so, am at Aldrin's, and Mingkang, John, Roy, Wendy, Xuanming, August, and Guorui are here too. hold em'ing, of course.

and welllllllllll, i seem to be the unlucky one today. ho hummmmm. i feel luckier at mahjong (: hehe.

and well money problems got me in the slightest frenzy, that's kind of controlled by the fact that i still have some cash in my wallet.

but urgh, the thought of being penniless.....

and it seems weird being together with him, after..... three or so weeks? like after all those arguments, cold shouldering, annoyed periods, pure exasperation, and slightest bit of hope, we're back together.

and i hope we'll work out, cause it seems like we've been full circle, and then some more.


i guess sometimes it just seems like things happen for a reason, and all.

and i've finally met up with Joey, like since forever. F-O-R-E-V-E-R. missed her a lot a lot, swear it.


and heard from Cyn about what happened at St James. damn, i miss clubbing, like rahhhhh!


yuck luh i feel totally sticky and oily and all. feel like bathing and all. grah.



okay wait, i forgot what i wanted to say.

anyway, went to B's house last night, sending him home with Guorui, and went home in the afternoon, and met the rest at town (Hongguo, Xuanming, John, Mabel, Mingkang, Liangjie, Juncheng, Guorui, August?????) not sure if i left anyone else out. at Plaza Sing.

caught X-men Origins: Wolverine, and yeah, front row seats, againnnnnnnn. if it were a baseball game or something, sure no problem, but for a movie, with a gigantic screen hanging overhead? not so good. especially with an aching back, like what i've been complaing the whole day about.


HAHA.

then went to Astons after, where John knocked off early. and Mabel and i got free soup! beetang! cause we ordered pasta, and supposedly there's some free soup-of-the-day thing, and halfway they announced that there was NO PASTA! and sooooooooo. we got free soup :D cause we cancelled our orders and the soup was served.


oh well, i'm hungry. seriouslyyyy. craving for some good old maggie mee. hungry shit. plus campbell soup! okay shut up.


damn.

kay byeeee.



xoxo
yours to keep.


ps: shut up, love.

baby we're stuck with each other, stuck with each other

"you wear those shoes, and i'll wear that dress"


twists and unexpected events; say it with me 'i love you' .



so, things are fine now, better yet, better than ever.

for the first time, needed.






movie w the usual people. (: photos later.




!




xoxo
to write on the wall in your heart.

built to make you fall.


ps:B, ily2.

and your heart is on the floor.

"feeling wretched, but baby i'll smile for you."



well.

it's 1.04 am. reached home super early. super, super early. around twelve-ish?

met up with Darren, Shina, Jerold, and two of their friends, Samuel and Zach- something. LOL can't spell his name!

it was for a very short while, but it felt good getting out of the house. felt totally fine, save for a few stomachaches here and there, but now i'm home i feel like puking again, and headache included.

missed weewee, so might be meeting up with her later on.

suddenly realized that i'm fucking hungry, but i can't quite stomach the idea of food now.

oh welllll.

i really, really don't wanna be alone.

have that empty feeling in my stomach again. but yeah, guess i'll still be fine.

and i'm fighting the urge to pick up the phone. and just ..... no no. i won't.

editing some photos, and today's photos are with Shina, and so i only have two of Jerold and yours truly.

so, some first, of today and Grandmum's birthday (:







somehow i don't regret spending that amount of money to arrive at a hair color that looks almost like black, cause i prefer this color and cut -..-

before that my hair was this color.



totally uneven, and look at the orange roots! super super horrible, swear. so, back i went the next day to get it redyed, and had my fringe cut at the same time.

oh well.

and i'm happy cause today Jerold complimented me! hehe he's like always making my day brighter with those nice compliments hehe. cause yaaaa a girl needs compliments to feel sort of better kay!

ho hummmmm.


__________


newest resolve: to get out of that hole i'm in, that i've been sinking into time and time again. to leave it, to stop dreading the nights, to stop wanting not to be alone, to sleep properly without having bad dreams, to not feel my heart breaking, to not feel that 'heart very pain' and 'i can't breathe' feeling.

cause it's overwhelming me, and i don't think i can keep it up anymore.

do you wonder where i am? wonder what i'm doing?



do you think of me, miss me?

Mabel says no one else will be sure of it but me, but i can't be sure of myself anymore. not when i've led myself into so many holes and shit. believed the wrong things, trusted, loved too much, too much in the wrong way, became too self righteous. too much, too much.

too many .

i need a hug.



xoxo
said, you'd never make me cry.


ps: i miss you, i miss you. that, along with i love you, have become one of the unmentionables.