stomachache,cramps the whole entire time, like kill me alreadyyyyy. ))))):

tomorrow's gonna be a fun day. (:

and i keep receiving spam! it's damn annoying luhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, i've no idea why, cause supposedly it shouldn't really bother me.
oh yeah new playlist up, listen to the songs! especially the ones by Kate Voegele. though there are only 4 songs -..-

i feel so silly thinking back about stuff i did/said and all. made a fool out of myself, by thinking way too much, and at that point of time i didn't think i thought a lot. -..-

browsed through a lot of photos too, and somehow i can hear those laughter and memories when they were taken; like at SICC, or Kgarden, or at the movies, or slacking around, or at different places, with girlfriends and all. i think i've a good memory actually, it's just that i need reminders to help me remember that i do remember those memories -..- although sometimes in past few years someone mentions something and i'm like 'oh really? i don't remember at all leh!'

-..-

and i think it's stupid when someone tells me something and i go 'rly?' when DUH obviously it's real. -..- but i do it anyway, so people if you're reading this, remember that you don't have to actually go 'ya' or re-affirm that whatever you're telling me is true.

okay, so it seems like i have a lot to say, but i don't actually know what to say -..- i mean not in the blog of course, about other stuff. but i'm rambling on and on and on. again.

and i've been using a lot of this face -..-

stomach is killing me. can't believe it's a friday night and i don't feel like going out. hmm some progress made i guess?

kaythxbye



xoxo


ps:i don't understand.

Forever and Almost Always

"Forever And Almost Always"

So the story goes on down
The less traveled road
It's a variation on
The one I was told
And although it's not the same
It's awful close, yeah

In an ordinary fairy tale land
There's a promise of a perfect happy end
And I imagine having just short of that
Is better than nothing

So you'll be mine
Forever and almost always
And I'll be fine
Just love me when you can
And I'll wait patiently
I'll wake up every day
Just hoping that you still care

In the corner of my mind I know too well
Oh that surely even I deserve the best
But instead of leaving
I just put the issue to bed
And outta my head

Oh and just when I believe
You've changed for good
Well you go and prove me wrong
Just like I knew you would

When I run out of second chances
You give me that look
And you're off the hook

Because you're mine
Forever and almost always
And I'm fine
Just love me when you can
And I'll wait patiently
I'll wake up every day
Just hoping that you still care

Oh, what am I still doing here?
Oh, it's all becoming so clear

You'll be mine
Forever and almost always
It ain't right to just love me when you can
Oh I won't wait patiently
Or wake up everyday
Just hoping that you'll still care

Forever and almost always
No it ain't right
To just love me when you can, baby
Ain't gonna wait patiently
I won't wake up everyday
Just hoping that you still care


apt?

God i feel so pathetic.

but hey, four nights down, and a hell lot more to go. i'll get through this, some way or the other.

but God, i miss him.

and i can't deny i do wake up wondering if he does still care or not, can't always be wondering, though i still am, every single day. somehow it's wearing me down, but i've got to build it back up right?

though it's getting easier pushing the thoughts back. i guess i'm just adapting the best i can, one way.

not ready for anything else, and i'm getting over him the old fashioned way; bit by bit till all of it slowly fades away.

shall concentrate on other things, and just.not.think.about.it.

and maybe someday, hopefully soon, i'll be able to just see him and not feel anything, and we'll be able to just be friends, the way we were, without me wishing with all my heart that it's otherwise.

school tomorrow, can't be late again.

goodnight.



xoxo
one step at a time.

ps: i will get over you. i will. till then, i miss you dearest. goodnight.

likewise

to club or not to club, that is the question.

AHGAHGAHGAHGAHGAHGAH.

like no mood to club, but want to club at the same time, then ccb lao niang not 18 yet no id, actually have lah,
but scared don't look like then can't get in = a total waste of time.

damnnnnnnnnnnnn. sleepless nights too = might as well spend it doing something fun right?

fuck lah i hate this. ):

i wanna club, but lazy to get my ass up, thoughts of guys turning me offffff, but loud music and alcohol = makes it worth it

how ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. ?! cynthianeoooooo.bs .com.......... ))))):

whines *

and i'm kinda sleepy too. wtfuckkkkkkkk?!

like ever since TBU (go figure) i haven't really felt like doing anything, just lazing around and sleeping/not sleeping, and random moodswings, ranging from 'ah fuck i don't need him' to 'i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him))))):' to 'i wanna enjoy myself!' to 'no energy to enjoy lahhhhh'

and i hate sleepless nights. ):

meeting Jerold for lunch tomorrow in school, hopefully.

Lord, please save me): thank You.




xoxo
making the choices easier

ps: i don't know wtfuck i'm doing. ):

insomnia, and i think mum is going to yell at me for not taking out my lenses.

didn't have anything to do, so switched on the tvee, and martha stewart was on! it's nice lo, don't say i'm aunty or what. anyway, there was this craft idea thingy, to make glove animals out of gloves(duh!) and since i can't sleep, i'm going to make 'em!

a dog and a bunny! so cute rightttttttt. shall start making it now. but i only found two gloves, but one's kind of those olive green. sounds yucky, but shall try anyway. hehe shall decide which color for which and have to find some cotton to stuff it with! (:

and yeah following the tutorial and it looks relatively easy, so shall start on it now, but the thing is i'm afraid my gloves are too small.

shall post results up here. (:

kaythxbye.

i've been dead for awhile.

what i really wanted to say was, i miss you, goodnight.

stop, tears. and the back of my head hurts so bad from pushing thoughts of you back. i swear.


a million times, infinite times. __________________.

]':

7229.) I'm afraid I'm in love with you. I try to deny it but time to time, I catch myself thinking of you. You were my first and I'll never forget you. I hope, I really hope, with all my heart, that you remember me. Forever.

i can't sleep cause i'm thinking of you, i can't sleep and i'm thinking of you.

i just want to sleep.)':

i hate emo songs, i hate happy songs, i hate pictures of couples, i hate sweet things, i hate my mind i hate my brain i hate my memories i hate my heart i hate my feelings i hate myself i hate being weak i hate being helpless i hate feeling this way i hate feeling alone i hate my phone i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you.

i love you. i love you i love you i love you i love you

i want to get drunk. need alcohol. now.

"but you're just a boy, and i'm just a girl"

i think i'm blogging way too much, like two or three posts today already? haha no idea. anyway i'm so proud of myself. (not for blogging so much luh like duh -..-)

something suddenly snapped, i-don't-know-why. like suddenly i'm kind of able to step out of the picture and see it clearly from the sides. and it doesn't hurt as much, i've no idea why too.

i do hope this feeling lasts, kind of peaceful, and at ease with myself.

like i was telling Huibing, the things i felt or were afraid of were very ridiculous, and childish. i guess in my own way i wasn't totally wrong for feeling insecurities and all, cause c'mon we're all humans. but i really have to grow up and be mature and not think so much.

anyway.....

feel like going for a manicure before school tomorrow. oh yeah and it's time to top up my ez-link!

damn bored.

oh ya one photo here, this was when K and i met up randomly that day at her place, then we went to H.Plaza for a little while.



my blog desperately needs some photos huh.

oh well, Rebel with Ben on Weds, if everything goes to plan, hopefully. the timing was damn good cause i was asking Cyn if she wants to go club this weekend.

okay, back to F.R.I.E.N.D.S, and then off to bed. school tomorrow, shall work hard.

goodnight darlings, i love you. (in the plural sense, of course.)



xoxo
clarity, sweet serenity.

ps: i wanted to say so much more, but i think i'll just leave it as a no reply . you take care of yourself too. and.....
imy.

day one.

deleted my whole blog post.

i'll still keep my promises. keep them, and i hope to God he keeps the most important one he made me, too.

somehow i feel so silly for being insecure, or saying those stuff to him.

two weeks, three weeks, four weeks, five. have no idea how long it'll take, but still i'll try my best, and that's in keeping with the 'iymtb,ywb'. thing.

got to get on with my life, no time for silly thoughts or moping around. joh you've got to stand strong, and take it like a man!

and i'm glad i've got my thoughts sorted out, though every so often, my thoughts turn to him and i feel like texting him. -..-

but nooooo. shall do what i said! or not i'll look like some weakling >=[ put your stubbornness to good use girl!

and though i still do want things to work out in the end, there's no point lingering on now right? need to find back my independence, and i'm starting to!

waiting for my dad to come back with macspicy. i don't feel hungry at all, but somehow i just feel like stuffing my face full of it. and i feel like eating ice cream! the white ones with the chocolate bits in 'em. forgot what it's called.

oh well, kay chatting online with friends and my tummy hurts ):

sam is awesome cause he thinks i'm awesome! (an awesome gal, to be precise) hehehehehe i bet a lot of people agree with him lor. HAHA

it's raining out, wonder how dad's gonna come home without getting wet. wanted to bring an umbrella over, but apparently he's driving. ooh i wanna drive too! hehe after i hit eighteen, shall immediately chiong to get my license. and clubbbbbb! duh but of course i'm going before that. HAHA

kay dad's back. bye!



xoxo
i miss you.

ps: wubwubwubwubwub u 2.

my dad's my new boyfriend!

gotta love myself, respect myself.

and i know, someday, i'll be okay. and i can look back and say 'i used to love him a lot.'

got to stop all this nonsense, and be who i was, or rather, the new and improved Johanna. the one who can be happy by herself, the one who doesn't run away, the one who doesn't cling on.

i should have done it ages ago, should've walked out with my head held high. should've been able to put down what i'd taken up, nine months and seven days ago.

instead of letting it become so ugly, i'm cringing inside, picturing the scene. that was more than putting down my pride, that was just unnessecary.

if the point that we love each other isn't enough, then i guess there's nothing left for me to say.

it hurts, it does. and i'm so afraid. even my fingers won't let me type out. stupid huh.

texted him a very long message just now while aimlessly walking around, and i feel like such an idiot for doing so.

it's my fault things have come to this, i am to blame for many things. and i can't let myself be like that anymore.

am going to take this whole ..... thing? as a learning experience, and i'm going to learn from it, and change to become a better person, a better girl.

i have to, cause i'm sick of the way things have been going, and the way i've handled it. shall be mature, like an adult! afterall i'm eighteen this year, no?

and as for the feelings..... if they remain, they will. not going to do anything about it, and i can't too.

cause i have a life, and i've been too consumed by these feelings to lead it properly, being afraid of this, thinking of this and that, till i couldn't function properly. ain't healthy, and i don't want to be like that anymore.

i need my friends, now more than ever. thank you best one, for saying you'll stand by me through this period of time. <3

exhuasted throughout by these past few months, the cycle, the love and the tears, making up, breaking up, and making up again. learnt a lot of things, though.

God, i need You too. (: give me the strength, and some quick pain relief? hot guy can? HAHA.

my dad is the coolest dad in the world. he let me go club! i love my parents very very very very very much. (: i do i dooooooo. (remember keenan and kel?)

alright off to watch friends and all. if we're meant to be, we'll still be, in the end, eventually. there's no point wanting anything, hoping for anything, or crying or clinging on. gotta listen to that inner voice that i've silenced for so damn long!

so, yeahhhhhh. jia you! take care of yourself, johanna. you can do it. do what mom says, and 'keep on walking.' like johnny walker! HAHA funny eh.

and i want to spend some time alone too. to reflect and make sure i'm totally alright. hehe

okay go already thankssssssss ah.

byebyebyebyebyebyebyebyebyebyebyebye.



xoxo
day one, and counting.

ps: ___________________________. (ihymmt)

ai wo, bie zhuo.

this is the hardest thing.

edited.


cancelled that last sentence cause it felt like a cry for self-pity.

got to admit that i'm laughing at my fucked-upness, for real.

better start acting like you do.

blogger is fucking with me.

DON'T FUCK WITH ME! (teh says it sounds very businesslike and serious)

but at least there are columns to type things in whereas a few days ago there was just a jumble of screwed up half columns.

i hate _________.

and i hate controlling my emotions and how i feel. but still, i'm going to say something. this can't go on like this.

still sick.



i wish you were here.....

loving you a little less than before

i thank God for my friends, for my parents, for the people who really do care, no matter how much shit i do.

for weewee, who has been there for me, though i was a very fucked up friend. who scolds me and acts like my jimney cricket, and still being there, even after all this time.

for karen, who cares still, even after i've acted like a jerk, when i've always disappointed her, for the meals we had in silence and getting irritated like hell by each other. HAHA you know what i mean right?

for boo, who doesn't blame me when we've not contacted for a long time, for being understanding when i wasn't there for her. like how we can not contact for months, and still be as good.

for huibing, who stood up for me, even when a lot of people were talking behind my back. for saying that my friendship with her will never be affected when shit happened and she got very hurt partly thanks to me.

for cynthia, who still misses me, my partner-in-crime! who listens to me whine and offer me advice, and getting really angry for me when i tell her stuffs, and giving me new perspective.

for bec, who was always so responsible, looking after me in ways, being there, my four blocks away! bringing me around with her when i didn't want to stay home, when i wanted to talk, and oriental, i'll never forget.

for shiqi, whom i haven't met for the longest time, neither did we contact, save for birthdays and stuff like that. i was really damn touched when you got super worried for me and all, and how you remember what i told you and stuff like that.

for mabel, who was there whenever i needed someone to cry to, the person who calmed me down and talked to me. i've never ever thought we would get close again, and thank you dear for always thinking of me when you go out and all, for listening to all my troubles and tell me what to do and all.

for binghui, who always tries to listen to me, asking me if i'm okay, when he has shitloads of work to do, putting aside those mountains of work to talk to me. the one who got really upset when he 'can't do anything to help me' dear, being there for me is more then enough!

for sebas, who really is like the brother i've never had. who spent nearly a hundred bucks just to get me to a doctor last night. who bails me out when i'm in a jam, who listens to me whine endlessly, who's really there no matter what, at anytime. he's one of the people who really treat me the nicest! and i'm so glad that weiliang clicked us into that convo that one fine day on msn, back when i was secondary one.

for darren, who was there for me when i felt very shitty, who says i'm his best friend and all. though we've not been talking properly for quite sometime already, i do know that he'll always be there? and likewise, no matter what.

for my cousins, the two eves and one lois, for everything, everything.

forrrrrrr, all the people who said 'i'll be there for you, no matter what', and really did it. for all those who said '24/7!' who said 'i miss you! lets meet up!'

the ones who said 'no matter what i'll support you' and really meant it. not a 'for-the-moment' kind of thing. the ones who really want to see me, and who thinks that i'm worth something.

i love each and everyone of you. and don't forget that, ever.

throughout the whole issue with ______, i really felt loved, by you guys, and i won't give anyone of you up. not ever.

millions of hugs and all, swear! and if i forgot anyone, i didn't mean to, i think it's just that fever that's still running it's course. ):

xoxo
counting my blessings

ps:i really don't want to appear needy, but i guess that's all i've been portraying myself to be. but, i think i do deserve explanations. i do, i do.

fingerprints sold me out

There's some things we don't talk about
Rather do without
And just hold the smile
Falling in and out of love
Ashamed and proud of
Together all the while

You can never say never
Why we don't know when
Time and time again
Younger now than we were before

Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go

-

cause we don't know what we want, though something in that equation proves perhaps that i can't do without you, in some ways.

when i thought i could be stronger, when i thought i could just not care, and i keep coming back to you. when they've said 'you should know better." and the words continue, disapproving, lamentations for my weakness, i keep coming back to you.

daddy and mummy screamed at me again, and all i recall is "i disapprove of all your friends!"

and mum said i'm heading towards becoming a prostitute because i sleep with guys and stay at guys houses, and asked where the little girl went to.

well, mum. she grew up. that's what happened. i'm never gonna be a prostitute. doubt i can either, so yeah. i'm gonna be a rich kid next time okay! ask M, she'll tell you!

so yeah. i guess there're too many things i wanna say.

andddd here's a thank you for mr.M. LOL. if you're reading this and you know who you are, thanks! if you don't then i guess you're dumb! (: thanks for listening and the advice.



kay off. byebye


xoxo
the one this heart wants

ps: no one else; my heart'll go six feet under for you.

i hate guys.

and i'm writing a letter to tell you exactly how i feel, and then some more, and it's not the 'oh i want you back i miss you' kind. FUCK.

ten things i hate about you. i topped miley cyrus.

SO THERE.

but whether i manage to give it to him is another thing. i think i'll prefer to @&$@*$)(@*! in his face myself. then we'll probably end up not talking forever. fuck one. and i'm those kind who won't remember if someone did something wrong to me, if i'm angry or what. not saying that i'm forgiving or what, i think it's just that i have a really bad memory for these kind, i bet if i can remember i'll be much better at arguing with someone when it comes to what they did wrong. forever losing my points about the whole thing then it will end up like i'm some retard who forgot that she's angry in the middle of a supposed quarrel. not only talking about recently. aiya fuck la. damn pissed off idk why moodswing i think.

oh ya dinner with the cousins was great. shall talk about it when i'm not so disgusted with myself. fucking turned off i swear.

ps: i decided to type it down. so so so so so much easier.


bye.

"on a tuesday, i am fading, and by wednesday i can't breathe."

did i mention i love love love love love my friends? each and everyone of you guys who make me feel so loved. really, i mean it, and i feel so much better now.

i think it's ironic that i keep telling people things that totally apply in my situation, and it makes total sense, but i just couldn't seem to put it down into my actions. i guess i

just put down the phone with M, and i've missed her too. both of us are so caught up in our own issues that we've hardly met up. so, perhaps meeting her for some coffee tomorrow, and i've a date with my lovely cousins too at town too! (: looking forward to it.

anyway, maybe some pictures tomorrow? hehe. i've no idea why i feel so good now. maybe it's my 'Friends' addiction. season 1 to 10! they crack me up every single time.

kay off to watch it then bed and school tomorrow.



xoxo
i'd want you to stay
here forever.

ps: once again, it's your call now. i miss you. :(:

38.4 point fever, bad headache and on and off cramps.

called ____. texted ____. i know it's annoying, pathetic and stupid. and i know i said i wouldn't.

in the past whenever i didn't feel well, just a few words of comfort from him would make me feel so much better.

but we're in the present now. )':

IMYSBIH

"bruised, tender; whisper your toxic nothings."

movie, and surprising presents from _______. three of em! well, thank you, i appreciate the thought.(: dinner at suki, but i only ate three slices of sashimi cause i didn't have much appetite somehow?

finally i caught my very first 3D show! (: no pictures though, not very comfortable with the idea of it.

cabbed home immediately after, and kept replaying __________.

i guess sometimes you have to learn how to let go, and give it time and space. if it's yours, it's yours, if you're meant to be, you will be. no use chasing after whatever, right? haha so says the wise people.

i have funny friends!

causse my current pm is "imysbih (go figure)"

and this happened:


Tay bhbhbhbhbhbh says (12:43 AM):
*i think i can figure out : )
*the pmmm
Johanna says (12:43 AM):
*haha what?
Johanna says (12:44 AM):
*imysbit
*whats that
*LOL bet you cant!

Tay bhbhbhbhbhbh says (12:45 AM):
*i miss you stupid big idiot head
*>.<


well,

Johanna says (12:48 AM):
*LOL.
*it means, i miss you so badly it hurts
*!!!!!



xoxo
sui ran bei fang qi,
sui ran wo yuan yi.

ps: not moving on, not trying to forget. rather, i'm waiting till they slowly fade off, or till a miracle happens.


edited:

Sam says (1:11 AM):
*i saw ur blog post
*the pm i tot of guessing
Sam says (1:12 AM):
*i miss your stupid butt in hell
*but i dun didnt mention tht
*cos i tot its surely wrong
*LOL

edited:

unicef ZoDdieee =) says (1:29 AM):
*haha
*nah its ok
*long time ago anyway
*imysbih
*is i miss you so bad
*wat does ih stand for?
*in heart?
Johanna says (1:30 AM):
*guess
*!
*unicef ZoDdieee =) says (1:30 AM):
*not in heart?
Johanna says (1:30 AM):
*nope
*unicef ZoDdieee =) says (1:30 AM):
*guess it must be his name
*h is honey?
Johanna says (1:32 AM):
*nopeee
*guess it in one full sentence!
*unicef ZoDdieee =) says (1:32 AM):
*imysb is correct so far right?
Johanna says (1:35 AM):
*yup!
*unicef ZoDdieee =) says (1:40 AM):
*nah i give up
*cant get it

and

cynthia says (1:48 AM):
*huh?
*lololol
*i miss you so
*i dunno wats bih
Johanna says (1:48 AM):
*haha guess then!
cynthia says (1:49 AM):
*i miss u so correct?
Johanna says (1:49 AM):
*yes
*!
cynthia says (1:50 AM):
*i miss you so bad i hate
*=.=
Johanna says (1:50 AM):
*-..-
*hhahaha close!
cynthia says (1:50 AM):
*i miss u so bad i heave
*lOLOLOLOLOL
Johanna says (1:51 AM):
*LOL.
*hmmm wait ah
cynthia says (1:51 AM):
*i miss u so bad i hurt
*COOL I GOT IT

Johanna says (1:51 AM):
*very very close
cynthia says (1:51 AM):
*argh
*irritating
Johanna says (1:51 AM):
*HAHA
cynthia says (1:52 AM):
*i miss u so bad i give up just tell me

i don't dare to sleep.

i hate nights like this. and i'm lying here in the dark. thank God for the company.

and tomorrow's a nightmare. i don't know what i'm doing, why i'm going. but it's too late to back out now.

i just.....

i just want to hug you to sleep, hear all your weird noises when you go to bed, wake up to see you beside me.


aiya shut the fuck up la johanna teo.

sickening, making me irritated only.

lollol. you and me both, baby. you and me both.


i love my friends and my cousins.

but i love you more, in a different way.

like a child

"and right now, the radios all that we can hear."

not at home now. can't deal being alone i guess. not tonight.

i'm going to pretend like i didn't see anything, pretend that i don't know anything, pretend that it doesn't hurt like fuck, pretend i'm not like play dough in his hands, pretend like i don't know who he's out with, pretend that nothing happened, pretend like i don't care, pretend that he doesn't exist.

cause he'll not be the one i want a text from. i'll try my best, to lose these feelings in the fastest way possible, in the most effective way i know how.

and i swore i would never be that pathetic, never ever again, and yet.. such a dog, you stupid bitch.

too bad i can't do headstands; maybe it'll stop these tears from falling.

movie tomorrow with ___________. lol i really don't know why i'm doing this to myself.

words spinning in my head, but i've no idea how to put them into words.

Roy once said, 'the reason why two people will last long is because either one of them will cling onto the other and not let go' or something like that.

well, perhaps now's the time huh? or perhaps it should've been ages ago.

still, a lot of things i want to say, like 'take care of yourself, save one dollar a day (and you'll $18250 at the end of 50 years), limit yourself when you gamble, go home earlier, spend more time with your family and do what you promise your mum, brush them properly, remember to check for your things and don't lose em especially in the arcades, iron your own uniform, don't drink too much, don't get caught smoking in camp, compare prices properly before you buy your weekly snacks, don't eat too much maggie mee, blahblahblah.'

yeah pointless, but still.then he'll normally tell me 'i know what to do lah'. though i guess it's good that he won't come here anymore.

and, i'm sorry.



xoxo,
i hate this part right here.

ps: look out for him, talk sense into him, be there for him, for me can? cause i can't anymore. (:thanks. nope, not big ego at all, if you know who you are. (: thank you, thank you.

)':

Jijaodoadj anfioahoisdhaoshn aoifaohfoiahfoa
aiodjaoijda
asdoiahdoihasoihda
jaiodhoaihdiohsaiodhsaoih ahsidhasoidhasiodhasoi sahdiashjdoisa
iaodosiajhdoiajdoias jiasojdajhoi hfdaifhadklopdsf
dyfjfuy fuk8iyhnb xtchhogyrt dryvhvrfuygj vfuyfuyf fut iuhkugbhjgbj asdasd



i love you.

nostalgia

-

damn, i miss the past.

working with k, random meetups with weewee, working with cyn and bec, days in secondary school with whb and bc and k, shopping trips or starbucks with justin, going to sebas' to mahjong or talk cock, meeting fengru to eat mac or just crapping, jalan kayu with k and whb, gym with eve, karaoke with shiqi, even sfc days, with melt and people, texting with yutong and talking about x-men and mtv, and almost anything under the sun, days when bh and i will go "CHANGJING!!!!!!" and he goes "NIANGNIANG!!!!!!!" , drive-bys in alans car with angie and co, mustafa/mt faber? pubbing around with unknown people, mahjong with God knows who in some strangers house, a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot.

honestly i miss nyp, regret not going, cause i should've, more than anything. though psychology is a better course for me, cause i have no idea what i wanna do in the future. and now i feel damn lost.

browsed through old photos with my 'pb&j' hair, as said by weewee. old class photos, old nyp photos, brought back a lot of memories. back when i was so so unsatisfied with what i have. threw away many friendships, in a way, and i miss you all so so much. from the bottom of my heart, i swear. but i know it's never gonna be the same again, and that really sucks. cause we've all moved on, have seperate lives, occasionally pausing to catch up, but really, i still hold those memories dear. well and truly.

a lot of things would have changed, blahblah if i hadn't taken certain steps, i know. but somehow i don't regret those steps, but i regret how i changed when i took 'em. does that make sense? cause i don't really recognize that girl in the photos anymore. and i do prefer that girl way back then.

could laugh easily, didn't have to focus on much. was madly madly madly madly madly obsessed with a particular someone (hehehehehehe), and somehow i knew that i could count on each and everyone of the people around me.

i'm not saying i can't now, but i know we're not as close anymore, not as important to each other, though it still stays. more of independance instead of that dependance. i hate being alone, feeling alone, and i guess that's whats getting me down.

cause i feel fucking alone. and i don't wanna be independent. i wanna lean on someone. but sometimes the person who's supposed to be there doesn't understand, and i guess there're somethings a person will never get, and perhaps it's something that won't ever click. and i'd wish he gets me more, and i wish i can be myself.

but then again, i've no idea who i am. never really knew, but it seems like i'm wayyyy further from knowing who i really am.

and now i don't really act like myself sometimes, cause i'm afraid that once people get too close they'll just see that i'm empty. but what's 'myself' in the first place? got to reach self-actualization, but where the hell do i start?

damn. feeling drained, and people are gonna start telling me 'life's like that/don't think too much." blahblah. wonder what Bb will tell me. probably the latter.

i need someone. right now. thank God for Bh, and Cyn, though she's very unresponsive. -..-

i wanna get away from here, probably on that $48 trip to phuket or something. one way there to get some inner peace by contemplating my thoughts. sounds damn dumb that phrase. 'contemplating my thoughts'. okay shut up.

somehow i find that the person i lean on the most isn't the one i love the most. and somehow i wish it weren't like that, and yet i don't.

okay i'll bet people don't understand what i'm saying.

need some time to think. and when i say think, i don't mean those thoughts running through my head kind. i don't know. maybe i'll see things clearer after reading some books or talking it out or whatever.

but i feel like going to the beach. urghhhhhhhhh.

maybe it's cause i've been wandering around school like some friendless idiot. and i don't feel like talking or opening up to anyone. or contributing anything. have no idea why even a smile seems taxing.

i think i need a therapist. seriously screweedddddd up.

okay shall try to talk to Bb about it. but by that time i think i'll have recovered, so maybe not. i don't know.

shall try to be who i was. but the girl i am now too. no idea.

feel so much better after blogging it out. LOL. and talking to bh and recieving some reassurances. M was right after all. i am quite insecure, no?

think it's to do with a lot of things since young lah. but yeah.



kay thanksbye (:


xoxo
is it you, is it you?

ps: what if the pieces can't fit together, what if we were the pieces of two different puzzles?

and i don't know what's worth fighting for

"when it rain, it pours."

'Can i have this dance' is playing in my head right now. damn sweet, and i think i'm secretly one of those sappy females who totally melts at any display of affection. -..-

and i have come to realize that i can't really interact with humans properly, and somehow i just sink into some kind of stare-into-space-for-long-periods-of-time thing, and i think i have difficulty interacting with fellow classmates, cause i usually go to class in a i-want-to-sleep-don't-bother-me kind of mode, so yeah.

find it so much easier communicating without having to look at anyone, like maybe msn-ing or texting or what.

oh yeah and i realized that my previous post was chopped off halfway.

damn tired. shall get some shut eye. serious fluctuations in my moods. not good, not good! and damn it why won't my hair grow faster???????!!!!!!!

school tomorrow. GAH!!!!!




goodnight world.


xoxo
no matter what

ps: i can't ignore my gut feeling. not at all. i can't, i can't, i can't, i can't. so am i your second best? or am i your best and the only one you'd ever want?

taking in breaths to stay

blogger is fucking me up.

edit:

ditto for msn.

edited yet again:

finally! both msn and blogger is working as per normal. (: photos of last week with Boo.












yes i know i'm fat. shut up.

tao huay with K and Bc today. didn't go to school cause i was feeling unwell (GENUINE OKAY!) but after some rest i felt better, so off i went. bought my jacket at long last! two weeks of thinking about it, and finally! my online purchases here i come!

dinner with the cousins cancelled, but thai food with Bec tomorrow! love love love meetups with dear ones.

been having bad dreams recently, one after the other. there was one time a few days ago at Bb's place. we were sleeping, and i was dreaming of this weird person who wanted to attack me or something. instead of running away, i wanted to hit him back. (pretty sure it's a him) and so in the dream, i turned and wanted to whack him with my hand, and before i whacked him, i suddenly woke up and opened my eyes, to see Bb sleeping peacefully infront of me. i think i turned over to face him when i was sleeping, and my hand was almost infront of his face lah! like a few inches more and it'll come smacking right down. and i'd bet he'll be damn angry to be woken up like that. >


xoxo,
till i see you again.

edited again:

omg lahhhhhh fuck weewee's making me feel damn horrible. I HATE DOING THINGS WITHOUT THINKING. damnnnnn now it'll seem like i'm some kind of wanna act one friendly.
LOLLOL. and i swear i'm not like that!!!!! WTFFFFF. !?!!!!?!?!! LOLLOL. mentally strangled myself.

goodbye, my almost lover

"cause sometimes we want what we can't have, throwing away what we do (have)."

contemplative mode now, set by 'Almost Lover'. again the urge to jump ship back to ellejay, but i guess it's too much of a hassle.

and i realize now, that the 'diary' i always speak of is the one i have locked away in my head. as we grow up, no one really knows how we feel 100%. we try, we try. but as time goes by.....

i guess we give up, slowly.

and the thought of 'the one meant for you', and 'the second best' and 'the one you love the most'. thanks to a book and some situations i've seen recently.

and in class a few days back, the teacher asked, "why do you want to study psychology?", and my answer in my head was "cause humans are screwed, and i wanna know why we do the things that we do." apart from wanting to make loads of money too, though.

we also have this paper to write, and my research topic was: infidelity. why?

guess i'll elaborate as the days go by and as the thoughts form proper tracks in my mind.

and somehow i'm a little amazed at the way we're able to pick ourselves up after what seems like a great big fall, unlike humpty dumpty; he needs to learn that lesson for himself.

but i guess a little part of every person who falls will remain smashed up, and the pieces swept away.

i think it's only human nature to be afraid, to want to safeguard everything they have. to throw caution to the wind, and to put yourself at the most vulnerable, that's the bravest thing. for me, at least. maybe. there're different kinds of courage, and perhaps dreaming of the future, of something together, or something better, might be more than i can ever hope for.

or more than i can let myself think about.

i think i'm afraid of a hundred, thousand, million, billion things.

sigh, and i think i'm afraid of needing Bb more than/then he needs me. and i remember the last time we quarreled, i said something like 'wo de xin hen tong', if anyone gets it. and he said 'ya la ya la wo de xin jiu bu tong la okay?'

and i always say things that hurt people, or say things without thinking. cause i won't measure my importance, and i don't know how my words can hurt them.(okay that sounds damn up my own ass.) especially Bb i guess, cause i'm forever saying this, saying that. and i expect him not to do certain stuff, and yet i'm doing it over and over again, not putting myself into his shoes. like how will he feel at that moment and how i'm being unfair to him.

don't think i'm good enough, to an extent. not a good girlfriend at all. like when i felt too shuttered in, too caged in. not enough time with friends and all, but i didn't think about him, how he doesn't go with his other friends too, and spends all his time out with me.

i'm going to listen to what Binghui told me, and i'm going to try to change. to a certain extent i know i won't, cause sometimes that's just the way i am. but i'm going to change what i can.

and i'm fucking happy that Bb came to fetch me from school. totally dorky the way he stood outside the campus in his uniform and clutching that bag he puts his stuff in, all sweaty and people giving him strange glances cause of his attire. and he kept kpkb-ing all the way about how lost he was on the way over, cause we were on the phone before we met each other.

never thought how i'd actually wanna be in a relationship with this particular person. and that i'd actually care very very very very very much if he felt the same way too.

'Life's what happens when you're making other plans', as the saying goes, and i realize that a lot of things that happened in my life are very unplanned, and just taking turns at every corner to some new twist. i don't regret it one bit though.

not one.

alright enough of this. shall try to post photos, blogger isn't co-operating with me, damn it.

went to watch 'Transformers 2' with Darren, Xuanming and Bb at AMK Hub on Saturday night, then it was Plaza with Aldrin added. some Numberball, and off to Aldrin's to sleep.

no new photos since no camera and laggy shit camera phone. damnnnn i want my mum's camera. ): PINK!

meeting up with Bb tomorrow (later) at 7 am supposedly. then it's school and meeting Jerold for awhile, then Mabel after, maybe.

then Tuesday it's K and Bc, and on Wednesday it's the cousins! (:

alright off, loves.


xoxo
you're a lot of what i need.

ps: i'm afraid, cause i think i meant what i said.

sucker for lovers

"and we'll never be truly apart"

so, met up with Bc at mall, and i was late! >< hung around, ate at Cafe Cartel and talked talked talked talked and talked some more. been more than awhile since i saw her, and i miss her lah! :D

then we went over to that idiot K's house, and stood outside for no idea how long, chatting and she didn't even want to invite us in! HAHA. but okay i shall forgive her since we're meeting up next Tuesdayyyyy! say yayyyyy. whb where are youuuuuu????? bet she's damn busy now.

gah i'm damn tired! have to clean my room and the thought of it makes me feel sick. but have to luh! else i'll have no idea where my clothes are and all. i wanna shop some moreeeeeeeee! sian haven't paid my online stuff>< still waiting for my parents to gimme my full allowance so i can pay them. gah !

i know it's damn wrong lah. but sorrrrryy! ><

hmm alright shall go pack up my room. very inspired to DIY again after going back to read fashion blogs, and i shall try to do some stuff! told my mum i want a dress form just now -..- it's so much easier lor. can do a lot of drapey stuff properly rather then just winging it.

kay off to pack up, then it's off to bed. Bb's booking out tomorrow and he said he's coming to fetch me! like first time can? he's never picked me up from school before, but i guess that's cause i've never really gone to school enough. lolllllllll.

kkay maybe i'll be back to edit later or tomorrow! (:



xoxo
perhaps it's you

ps: sunshine, you make me smile.

keeping the peace

"lean on me, you're supposed to; and i'll be here for you."

dog tired, and it's in the AMs and i'm supposed to be all tucked up and asleep by now so that i won't be late for school tomorrow, but here i am blogging and chatting with beloveds online. so so glad for the internet, cause recently i haven't been relying on my phone much, except to communicate with my dearest Bb.

well, so the class is quite interesting; contents of the lessons, and the lecturers. one of 'em practically announced that he's gay in a roundabout, in your face way. hehe

but the FML part is coming: almost all of my classmates know each other already, from that previous certificate they took, so all those little 'clique' things have already formed = NO FRIENDS FOR ME! LOL.

awwww shucks. -..- we'll see though. maybe i can get my mouth to open and interact.

met up with Mum after school, and went to Vivo. ate some japanese food that was darn yummy! and shopped around. the most exasperating thing was that the shoes i wanted weren't in my size! damn annoying lah! and the shopowner said that a girl just bought the second last pair in the store, which were in my size. fuck it i tell you.

and i swear i'm going back to fareast and get the fake pair. LOL. cannot stand it lah really. I WANT THOSE SHOES! and i want the faded grey denim wash jacket that i had my eye on at FEP. damn it not enough money!

oh yeah the 'aftermath of the first day of school' (some of the dears will know what i mean. HAHA shhhhh!) was spent at FEP. met up with Mabel and Xuanming and Darren at FEP. shopped around and i bought a pair of shoes, while M bought dresses and all. i need more shoes/bags/tops/bottoms/accessories(sp?)/dresses and all.

went for a manicure with M after dinner with Xm, while D was finishing up his tattoo. it looks really nice; the tattoo i meant. completed with a 'lamppost' -..- makes the urge for tattooing myself even stronger.

when i'm rich, when i'm rich. and the chanting in my head continues.

meeting up with Bc on Thursday i think? most hopefully! haven't seen her since April 19th = Huibing's birthday! (Weewee's birthday too!) and we've been saying we'll meet up since forever.

and Bb's booking out on friday! and then maybe finally we'll be able to spend more time together. haven't really been talking much lately, save for a few messages and phone call every night to just talk about what happened during the day and all. but i've to save more money, since we're pretty much a very broke couple. ><

oh yes! and karaoke with Shiqi and Eve next week to celebrate Shiqi's belated birthday! been ageeeeeees since i saw Shiqi lah! and we haven't been contacting for damn long too!and to think last time it would be meeting her almost every week with Eve! like what she said, a lot of things to fill me up about, and vice-versa, so hopefully we'll be able to catch up then! anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR I LOVE YOUUUU!

alright, a million movies i want to catch (alright maybe not a million), but no time/money = ))))):

and! i want to change phone leh! blackberry/iphone where are youuuuuuuuuu! i just want a nice phone that i can bling plus got wifi and all one! ))))): but it's so freaking ex!

kay i think it's bed time. else i won't be able to wake up in time tomorrow! though classes are at 3 in the afternoon..... i don't doubt my ability to oversleep and be late. LOL.

and! BINGHUI AND I HAVE AN ETERNAL FRIENDSHIP THAT'S SEALED BY CHOCOLATE COVERED DONUT HOLES WITH SILVER SUGAR PIXIE DUST! (he rejected the cherry diamonds -..- picky!)

oh yeah a few photos to post up too! of that meetup with Bec and Cyn, and Huishan's birthday! (once again shall steal from her Fb! HAHA)

so..... those who are interested, keep watch on this space! (:


goodnight dearies!


xoxo
with all of your love.

ps: baby i miss you.