goodbye, my almost lover

"cause sometimes we want what we can't have, throwing away what we do (have)."

contemplative mode now, set by 'Almost Lover'. again the urge to jump ship back to ellejay, but i guess it's too much of a hassle.

and i realize now, that the 'diary' i always speak of is the one i have locked away in my head. as we grow up, no one really knows how we feel 100%. we try, we try. but as time goes by.....

i guess we give up, slowly.

and the thought of 'the one meant for you', and 'the second best' and 'the one you love the most'. thanks to a book and some situations i've seen recently.

and in class a few days back, the teacher asked, "why do you want to study psychology?", and my answer in my head was "cause humans are screwed, and i wanna know why we do the things that we do." apart from wanting to make loads of money too, though.

we also have this paper to write, and my research topic was: infidelity. why?

guess i'll elaborate as the days go by and as the thoughts form proper tracks in my mind.

and somehow i'm a little amazed at the way we're able to pick ourselves up after what seems like a great big fall, unlike humpty dumpty; he needs to learn that lesson for himself.

but i guess a little part of every person who falls will remain smashed up, and the pieces swept away.

i think it's only human nature to be afraid, to want to safeguard everything they have. to throw caution to the wind, and to put yourself at the most vulnerable, that's the bravest thing. for me, at least. maybe. there're different kinds of courage, and perhaps dreaming of the future, of something together, or something better, might be more than i can ever hope for.

or more than i can let myself think about.

i think i'm afraid of a hundred, thousand, million, billion things.

sigh, and i think i'm afraid of needing Bb more than/then he needs me. and i remember the last time we quarreled, i said something like 'wo de xin hen tong', if anyone gets it. and he said 'ya la ya la wo de xin jiu bu tong la okay?'

and i always say things that hurt people, or say things without thinking. cause i won't measure my importance, and i don't know how my words can hurt them.(okay that sounds damn up my own ass.) especially Bb i guess, cause i'm forever saying this, saying that. and i expect him not to do certain stuff, and yet i'm doing it over and over again, not putting myself into his shoes. like how will he feel at that moment and how i'm being unfair to him.

don't think i'm good enough, to an extent. not a good girlfriend at all. like when i felt too shuttered in, too caged in. not enough time with friends and all, but i didn't think about him, how he doesn't go with his other friends too, and spends all his time out with me.

i'm going to listen to what Binghui told me, and i'm going to try to change. to a certain extent i know i won't, cause sometimes that's just the way i am. but i'm going to change what i can.

and i'm fucking happy that Bb came to fetch me from school. totally dorky the way he stood outside the campus in his uniform and clutching that bag he puts his stuff in, all sweaty and people giving him strange glances cause of his attire. and he kept kpkb-ing all the way about how lost he was on the way over, cause we were on the phone before we met each other.

never thought how i'd actually wanna be in a relationship with this particular person. and that i'd actually care very very very very very much if he felt the same way too.

'Life's what happens when you're making other plans', as the saying goes, and i realize that a lot of things that happened in my life are very unplanned, and just taking turns at every corner to some new twist. i don't regret it one bit though.

not one.

alright enough of this. shall try to post photos, blogger isn't co-operating with me, damn it.

went to watch 'Transformers 2' with Darren, Xuanming and Bb at AMK Hub on Saturday night, then it was Plaza with Aldrin added. some Numberball, and off to Aldrin's to sleep.

no new photos since no camera and laggy shit camera phone. damnnnn i want my mum's camera. ): PINK!

meeting up with Bb tomorrow (later) at 7 am supposedly. then it's school and meeting Jerold for awhile, then Mabel after, maybe.

then Tuesday it's K and Bc, and on Wednesday it's the cousins! (:

alright off, loves.


xoxo
you're a lot of what i need.

ps: i'm afraid, cause i think i meant what i said.